• Gina Saler

When a “bad” relationship dynamic can be a gift


Today I was reflecting on past relationship dynamics and the dysfunctional aspects I have engaged in wittingly or unwittingly.


As we live in relation to the world around us and the people in it, all our interactions with others provide a mirror for us and allow us to see and understand ourselves more clearly. I'm sure you've heard this a million times before but how can it help you?


Well for me writing is enormously useful and putting these dynamics down on paper helped me clarify and give a form to all the feelings I had been experiencing but not giving adequate voice to at the time. In effect, I validated these for myself and was able to gain a measure of freedom back right here and now.


But the most amazing gift of all was the opportunity to love myself even in the light of this knowing. To approve of myself even though I “allowed” such and such to happen to me or I neglected my needs or didn’t listen to my intuition or whatever I did at the time.


To forgive myself for the part I played in it with all the inherent judgements about it.


We have all been in a “poor” relational dynamic, whether in our early years in the family, at school or later in life with friends, lovers, bosses, co-workers, even your children.


There’s lots of things you can do with this but at the end of the day, it is just another experience which you’ve framed in a particular way and given a meaning to. Do you need to work on it? The choice is yours.


You might choose to avoid the situation by being self-employed, staying single, never talking to your family or some other external manipulation of the environment. Or you might do “work on yourself” to shift the pattern and make some progress, but hey nobody’s perfect.


So what do you do if you can’t shift the pattern or avoid the recurring circumstances?


Accept it and stop trying.


All you need to do is accept who you are even with this pattern. Even if it’s unhealed because it’s not the pattern that’s creating the energy drain, the real issue is that you are not being loving or approving of yourself.


So what would happen if you said “Even though I have this pattern, I love myself anyway” and really meant it? In effect, you forgive yourself and this goes a long way to healing it because you’ve taken back your personal power and sovereignty. Then you are free to get on with your day and your life.


Wishing you lots of self-love and approval coming your way.

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