• Gina Saler

What to do when you’re not turned on but want to make love


You and your partner want to make love and he’s keen and physically ready. You may want to join with him but you’re not physically ready. What can you do in this situation using tantric principles?


This tip comes from first-hand experience and may be worth trying next time you are in this predicament.


First of all, take a breath and acknowledge and accept your current state. Let’s says your brain is very busy and its affecting your body relaxation. Start with whatever is easiest for you to access. It could be your emotions, your body or your breath.


Many times your body is the easiest place to start (and it was for me this time) and may work for you. So decide to surrender to your body. Allow yourself to have a sense of exploration and curiosity which will begin to open you up. When I say decide, I mean for yourself, not for your partner, make this about you. Then see what happens.


Tell your partner where you are at, what you are feeling and experiencing. Then ask for his help. You might ask him to go slow, have no expectations (and neither should you by the way), start with a shoulder rub, cuddle or foot massage. Then whatever feels nice for your body. Focus on feeling and allowing the body experience however that is.


Men it is very important that you understand what helps in this situation. You should be taking action based on what your partner feeds back to you. What she asks for verbally, with her body or intentions. It might come to you as a thought – about changing position, caressing a certain part of her body, going slower and letting her set the pace. You are still the active one but its like a dance where you both ad-lib and she can relax into it, because you respond to her in present-moment, not in a disconnected “I think its supposed to be like this” way.


For both the woman and the man, none of this is meant to be difficult.

None of this is prescriptive. If the woman is inspired to do something she should. As long as she is not trying, because that shifts her into her masculine mode which never works for satisfying love-making. So take an easy approach.


This style of love-making is a meander, not a march and not even a walk to a specific destination because there is nowhere to get to. It’s just about putting both your bodies together and seeing what happens. And then accepting whatever happens without judgement.


Though you may be pleasantly surprised by what does.

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